America's Founding Uncles

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Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles

PHILADELPHIA—In what is being hailed as the most significant historical discovery in recent memory, workers renovating Independence Hall last month unearthed a vast trove of documents penned by the nation's Founding Uncles, a group of off-putting, largely disreputable, but nonetheless influential relatives of America's early heroes.

Paintings and woodcuts found alongside the writings suggest the Founding Uncles could often be distinguished from their siblings by their adult acne and sparse, willowy mustaches. In a notable contrast to portraiture of the era, these men are generally depicted leering off into the distance with a disturbing grin.

"The more you read about them, the more you realize how strongly the legacy of these boorish icons still echoes today," Collier said. "Any American whose excessive alcohol consumption has ever put an embarrassing damper on a holiday party owes a debt of gratitude to Norm Hancock, the man who nearly derailed the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence by draining a flagon of apple brandy and getting into a prolonged screaming match with his common-law wife."